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babydarlin94

I believed in love once
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What did I do to deserve this? This aching inside that I cannot let go of, what did I do to deserve this treatment? Constantly stuck between if you really love me or if you pity me. I can't live like this forever. I loved before and I got thrown to the side like I was nothing to that person. I loved before and it was not at all how I expected it to be. I want to be loved, for me. Not for someone I'm not, not for something I cannot pretend to be. I need acceptance. I need to be loved for my flaws and all, but yet once you find out, I'm always getting treated like I deserved the things that happened to me. I didn't ask for any of this, I asked to be accepted. I wanted love that would last and I got left alone. I got put the side and cheated on three times over a four year relationship. Then I thought I had given up on love, then you came along and I knew what love felt like again. Shortly after you started to entertain someone else. You lost interest in me and left me alone. Again. I cannot keep starting over, I can't keep letting go of things and believe there is a single guy out there that is different. I just wanted to find someone new so I could let go of all the possibilities of a new found love with an old fling. I wanted to be reassured. I wanted real. I just need to find some closure. I need to find something new.
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Alright
So I'm losing even more weight
Bought me a new shirt at Walmart last night...The cutest damn shirt. and It is a smaller size than I already wear. Well, it's strapless and it keeps falling down. Shit! This sucks. lol

I'm not ashamed to say this. I've had a baby. lol.
Before I got pregnant I weighed 195. When I went into the doctor office to get weighed before I had my daughter, I weighted 212lbs. Well. It's 10 weeks since I've had my daughter and I weight 178lbs now. :) And still losing it. 
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On August 30th, I made the worst mistake of my life. I don't even know why I had done what I did. Recently, come to find out that after two years of actually being sober (yes, I say sober) from Depression, I became depressed once again. As if it weren't bad enough that I was already dealing with Anxiety and Bi-polar. Now, I've never been diagnosed with Bi-polar, but people seem to always tell me I am. I don't know. But, anyways. 

Come to find out that I'm going through Depression once again. Why? Because lately since I've dealt with so much, it just added up to causing me to not being able to hold it in anymore. I mean after finding out what I had in June, it almost destroyed me. But I tried to hold in as much as possible. And it helped...sometimes. But after so much, I just couldn't do it anymore. Holding it in was hurting me more than letting out so much. 

Okay, so sorry. I've gotten side-tracked from what I was going to say. 

On August 30th, like I tried to say before. I made the worst mistake ever. I had been depressed that morning and Jordan and I were already sort of arguing. Then along with that I had been upset because of something (actually someone) I had seen that morning. It shouldn't have been causing me to be upset because it 'should' have been in my past, but I just wasn't letting it be. I broke up with him that morning. He said at first he tried to forgive me and tried to fight for me not to do so. But I'd said it three times, so I'd apparently made it clear I didn't want to be with him anymore. But I was WRONG. I shouldn't had done what I did. I shouldn't have. But I had went for three days trying so hard to fix things, but he almost screwed any hope of us getting back together. He went to go see an ex of his and he about made me go off the deep end. For one. I was trying so hard to make it up to him and fix what I'd done. But he'd said that the only reason he had done it was because he wanted anyone else but me. 

I told him. If we're to work things out. He either chooses me or he chooses her. It's either he keeps the love of his life, or he can have a friend. Maybe a later love. But he chose me. I'm sorry. but in all rationality, I could try to be friends with her...but I knew she's a threat to us. I'm the type of person who remembers everything when it's said and I hold grudges. First she tells us in the beginning that we're an awful couple, that our daughter should have been an abortion, that I was a fatass ugly bitch. (sorry my language). And then when he see's her, he kisses her, says that he felt something. But I'm sorry. If I wanted him back...he will not be friends with her. I will not have his childish teen love brought back into his life of his adulthood. It was teenage love. That's all it was and it's done and over with now. 

I love him more than anything. And now. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep him this time. I've already changed back to who I 'used' to be. I'm the girl that he fell in love with again. I'm finally happy with myself and I'm getting happier everyday knowing that I have the chance to keep him happy. He's the love of my life. He isn't no petty teen love. He isn't no stupid crush. He's the man I love more than anything in the world. And I'm his true love. I've been dying to hear him say that too me, again. Now we're starting over and I'm just glad he gave me another chance. Just in four days...I missed him more than anything. <3

Sorry, I just went on and on and on. Just needed to rant and release. Lol
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Someone sent me a Note this morning and asked me what 'stitch obsessed' was. Well to be honest my friend, it means exactly what it says. I'm obsessed with Stitch. You know from "Lilo & Stitch"? 

Why? 

Because for many reasons in fact. 
1) He's a damn good Elvis Presley impersonator. 
2) He's so adorable. 
3) My favorite Disney character
4) His voice is so addicting

You see my friend(s), Stitch is simply the best (in my opinion) Disney character and most definitely the cutest. I can't resist. Everytime I go to the store, if I see something Stitch..I have to have it. I can't get over his little cuteness. 
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Nexplanon

1 min read
Well I went into my Ob-Gyn today and I got birth control! Yay! NOT! :/ Not in the sense that it's bad that I got it, just bad on which one I chose. I got the Nexplanon (the bar in the arm) and it only hurt when they put the numbing medicine in my arm. I didn't know what to do. I'm glad that I finally was able to get Birth Control. 

The bar feels really, really weird. I'm not even kidding. It hurts like hell when I keep my arm bent and then I feel my muscles tighten up on me. But it's good, and I'm learning to love it. 
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Featured

Forgive Me, I'm writing again by babydarlin94, journal

Losing More Weight.. by babydarlin94, journal

Quick Update on my Life? by babydarlin94, journal

Stitch Obsessed? by babydarlin94, journal

Nexplanon by babydarlin94, journal