On August 30th, I made the worst mistake of my life. I don't even know why I had done what I did. Recently, come to find out that after two years of actually being sober (yes, I say sober) from Depression, I became depressed once again. As if it weren't bad enough that I was already dealing with Anxiety and Bi-polar. Now, I've never been diagnosed with Bi-polar, but people seem to always tell me I am. I don't know. But, anyways.
Come to find out that I'm going through Depression once again. Why? Because lately since I've dealt with so much, it just added up to causing me to not being able to hold it in anymore. I mean after finding out what I had in June, it almost destroyed me. But I tried to hold in as much as possible. And it helped...sometimes. But after so much, I just couldn't do it anymore. Holding it in was hurting me more than letting out so much.
Okay, so sorry. I've gotten side-tracked from what I was going to say.
On August 30th, like I tried to say before. I made the worst mistake ever. I had been depressed that morning and Jordan and I were already sort of arguing. Then along with that I had been upset because of something (actually someone) I had seen that morning. It shouldn't have been causing me to be upset because it 'should' have been in my past, but I just wasn't letting it be. I broke up with him that morning. He said at first he tried to forgive me and tried to fight for me not to do so. But I'd said it three times, so I'd apparently made it clear I didn't want to be with him anymore. But I was WRONG. I shouldn't had done what I did. I shouldn't have. But I had went for three days trying so hard to fix things, but he almost screwed any hope of us getting back together. He went to go see an ex of his and he about made me go off the deep end. For one. I was trying so hard to make it up to him and fix what I'd done. But he'd said that the only reason he had done it was because he wanted anyone else but me.
I told him. If we're to work things out. He either chooses me or he chooses her. It's either he keeps the love of his life, or he can have a friend. Maybe a later love. But he chose me. I'm sorry. but in all rationality, I could try to be friends with her...but I knew she's a threat to us. I'm the type of person who remembers everything when it's said and I hold grudges. First she tells us in the beginning that we're an awful couple, that our daughter should have been an abortion, that I was a fatass ugly bitch. (sorry my language). And then when he see's her, he kisses her, says that he felt something. But I'm sorry. If I wanted him back...he will not be friends with her. I will not have his childish teen love brought back into his life of his adulthood. It was teenage love. That's all it was and it's done and over with now.
I love him more than anything. And now. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep him this time. I've already changed back to who I 'used' to be. I'm the girl that he fell in love with again. I'm finally happy with myself and I'm getting happier everyday knowing that I have the chance to keep him happy. He's the love of my life. He isn't no petty teen love. He isn't no stupid crush. He's the man I love more than anything in the world. And I'm his true love. I've been dying to hear him say that too me, again. Now we're starting over and I'm just glad he gave me another chance. Just in four days...I missed him more than anything. <3
Sorry, I just went on and on and on. Just needed to rant and release. Lol